Planning Ahead for Mom and Dad
Aging is a natural process – we all become older, sicker and frailer. Frequently, family caregivers overlook this fact and fail to prepare properly for the upcoming journey. You do, however, plan a vacation away, pack a suitcase and book your flight in advance … the same process will work in your favour when providing care to an older adult.
At some point in time, family members must look at moving Mom/Dad into a care home. Ignoring the inevitable may be a natural thing for an individual providing elderly care to do. You could easily call this self-protection as a loved one’s physical and/or mental declines can be unpleasant matters to deal with. As a former caregiver myself for both of my parents, I was caught completely by surprise when I heard the doctor’s diagnosis. Mom and Dad were always strong and healthy. With being thrust into a caregiving role, I was left scrambling to find answers. With some sensible pre-planning, my personal stress level would have been greatly reduced. This can work the same for you.
Are you ready for what lies ahead? There is a great deal involved with moving Mom/Dad into a retirement housing community. Consider the following tips to best manage the transition:
Locate (and Read) the Parental Will/Advance Medical Directive: Perhaps these are stored in a bank safety deposit box or locked away at a lawyer’s office. Reading and understanding a loved one’s final wishes can be painful because any number of emotions can be dredged up. Expect to distribute copies of an advance medical directive to all of those involved with your parent’s care. I remember my family had to provide this information to my parent’s doctors and Dad’s Alzheimer’s disease care home to keep on file.
Communicate with Your Family: Meet with and hold frank discussions with your siblings as to the best course of direction. These conversations can be emotionally-charged as family members can feel angry, frustrated or regretful that a parent requires nursing in a care homes. It’s natural that a person will erupt in such situations. Family members can easily have differing opinions of what is considered “proper”, “appropriate” and “right” care for a dependent adult. To limit or “soften” the ensuing arguments, schedule your regular meetings at different sibling’s homes so as to provide neutral ground. Consider bringing in a trusted friend to moderate the discussions. Avoid such talks later in the evening when people will be tired. Allow everyone to speak his/her mind without passing judgment. If you live at a distance away from your siblings and personal meetings are not possible, consider recording the proceedings (with everybody’s permission). When using a digital tape recorder, an audio file can be easily uploaded to a computer and then e-mailed to other individuals who cannot be present.
Locate Help: Providing senior care is not an easy job and one cannot — and should not — attempt to do this alone. Look both inside and outside of your own support circle and you can find an entire caregiving support network which can include doctors, senior’s associations, adult day programs, senior’s transportation services, churches, friends and so on. Do not discount any level of help offered. Even the neighbour’s offer to shovel your parent’s front sidewalk clear of ice and snow can lighten your own workload. Talking to another caregiver who has seen his/her parents affected by the same health condition as your own parent(s) can both provide you with an empathetic ear and give you a much better picture of what lies ahead.
Please understand that these ideas are just the tip of the iceberg. When it comes to seeing your parent(s) age and, eventually, placed in a care home, there are many unknowns. Obviously, you and your family cannot know everything that lies ahead, but you can make some smaller plans.
Rick Lauber is the author of Caregiver's Guide for Canadians: http://www.self-counsel.com/default/caregiver-s-guide-for-canadians.html. As a former caregiver, Lauber shares his own experiences and lessons learned. This guidebook is a valuable resource and speaks on many issues of relevance to caregivers.
